British Jokes

What is another name for a butcher's boy?
A chop assistant.

A man went into a restaurant and ordered a bowl of vegetable soup. After a couple of spoonfuls, he saw a circle of liquid right under the bowl on the tablecloth. He called the waitress over and said, ''It's all wet down here. The bowl must be cracked.'' The waitress said, ''You ordered vegetable soup, didn't you?
''Yes.'' ''Well maybe it has a leek in it!''

I bought a wooden whistle, but it wooden whistle. I bought a steel whistle, but it steel wooden whistle. So I bought a tin whistle. And now I tin whistle!

There was a man who owned many sheep and wanted to take them over a river that was frozen over, but the woman who owned the river said ''no.'' So he promised to marry her, and that's how he pulled the wool over her ice.

A tribal chieftain's daughter was offered as a bride to the son of a neighboring chief in exchange for two cows and four sheep. The big swap was to be completed on the shore of the stream that separated the two tribes. The father and his daughter showed up at the appointed time, only to discover that the groom and his livestock were on the other side of the stream. The father grunted, ''The fool doesn't know which side his bride is bartered on.''

On the day before the Battle of Hastings, King Harold said to the commander of his army, ''Are the troops ready?'' ''They are, your Majesty'', said the commander, ''Would you like a demonstration?'' ''Yes, I would'', said the King. So the commander lined all the archers up and instructed them to fire off a volley. Three thousand arrows sped through the air and landed a quarter of a mile away. But one clumsey archer fired straight up into the air, and the arrow went up several hundred feet, turned round and came back down again, landing about six inches from where the King was standing. ''You want to watch that fellow'', said the King. ''If he's not careful, he'll have somebody's eye out tomorrow!''

There were these three wildebeests out in the desert: a Papa wildebeest, a Mama wildebeest, and a baby wildebeest. They're travelling along, trying to get home, but they get lost and are trying to find their way out of the desert. The sun beats down and it gets hotter and hotter. The poor wildebeests get thirstier and weaker. Finally, the Papa wildebeest collapses from the heat and dies. The Mama and baby continue, but soon the Mama wildebeest also collapses and dies. The baby struggles on for a while, but he, too, is finally overcome and dies. That's the end of the gnus. Now, for the weather!

There was a farmer who rebuilt an old barn on his property. He kept the cows, pigs, chickens and the plowhorse in that barn. But the birds were so used to using that barn as a nesting place that they kept annoying the poor old horse. The farmer went to the mayor (who was also a baker) for help in getting rid of the birds. The mayor told him to sprinkle yeast on the barn floor, which the farmer did. Lo and behold - it worked! The next day, the farmer went back to the mayor and asked how it was possible. The mayor said, ''Easy. Yeast is yeast and nest is nest, and never the mane shall tweet.''

Once upon a time, a man found a strange bird in the woods. He took it home and fed it well, but it grew too big for the house. Soon, it grew too large for the yard, so he took it to the highest mountain he could find, and threw it off. When asked why he took it so far, he said, ''It's a long, long way to tip a rarey.''

McDougal ran a fish and chip shop opposite Barclays bank. Late one night a man came in and said, ''Could you possibly lend me five pounds - I'm really stuck.'' ''Sorry,'' said McDougal, ''I couldn't possibly do that because of an arrangement I've got with the bank.'' ''What arrangement is that?'' asked the man. ''They don't sell fish and chips and I don't lend money.''

An expedition was lost in the jungle. All of a sudden the native guide stopped and said, ''Compass here, compass here, compass here.'' The leader of the expedition said, ''I'm sorry old chap, but we don't have a compass here.'' The guide said, ''no you don't understand. We've come past here three times already this afternoon.''

Did you hear about the man who was convicted of stealing luggage from the airport?
He asked for twenty other cases to be taken into consideration.

Tourist: What's the name of that river?
Local: Wye, sir. Tourist: Because I want to know.

Waiter, do you serve asparagus?
No. We don't serve sparrows and my name's not Gus.

''Well, Michael, I hear, you drove your car to London for the first time.'' 'I did that, George.' 'And how did you find the traffic in London?' ''Well, it wasn't as bad as I expected. When I got there, I found a parking space right away. It was in front of a fire station and there was even a big sign outside saying FINE FOR PARKING.''