Humorous Lawyer Jokes

What's the difference between lawyers and vultures?
Lawyers get frequent-flier points.

How many lawyers does it take to roof a house? Depends on how thin you slice them ...

A lawyer was helping a poor old widow settle her husband's estate. Upon completion of the job, he charged her $100.00. She opened her purse, and took out one of the few remaining contents - a one hundred dollar bill. After he left the attorney discovered that the bill had another $100.00 bill stuck to it. Immediately, the lawyer was faced with an ethical dilemma - whether or not to tell his partner.

What's the difference between a trampoline and a lawyer? You take your boots off before you jump on a trampoline.

Last summer a doctor and his family were at the beach having a good time. All of a sudden the doctor spotted a dorsal fin sticking out of the water and fainted. When he came to, his wife said, ''You have to be less paranoid, dear. That was only a shark. Stop imagining that there are lawyers every- where.''

A lawyer died and went to heaven. He was met at the pearly gates by St. Peter, who showed him around his eternal resting place, a fairly large condo on the beach, with fireplace, sauna, excercise room, whirlpool, cable, waterbed, wine-cellar, cook, live-in maid, butler, and driver. St. Peter then suggested he might take a walk around the rest of heaven before supper. While strolling the grounds, the lawyer met up with his old parish priest. They exchanged greetings, and came to discuss their new circumstances. The next day, the old parish priest made an appointment with St. Peter. ''Although I'm grateful for everything, I have a question about my accomodation.'' ''Go on.'', said St. Peter. ''After forty years of faithful service - performing baptisms, weddings, funerals, preaching, tending the flock, visiting the sick, the imprisoned, the widowed, etc.'' ''Yes.'', replied St. Peter, who could see where this was leading. ''I end up in a dormitory with shared baths, cafeteria food, and thirty-nine other priests, bishops, and even a pope or two. How is it that a lawyer gets such nice accomodation and services, while those of us that served so faithfully are all lumped together?'' ''Well, it's actually quite simple,'' explained St. Peter, ''we have lots of priests, but we only have one lawyer.''

A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, goes into a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, ''if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?'' The lawyer answers, ''Absolutely.'' ''Then you owe me $10.00. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today.'' The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $10.00. A few days later the butcher opens the mail and finds a bill from the lawyer - $100 due for a consultation.

There was the cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow. One was pulling the cow by the tail the other was pulling on the horns. Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow.

The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. A local volunteer calls to solicite his donation, saying ''our research shows that even though your annual income is over a million dollars, you do not give one penny to charity! Wouldn't you like to give back to your community through The United Way?'' The lawyer thinks for a moment and says: ''First, did your research show that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and has huge medical bills far beyond her ability to pay?'' Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, ''Uh, no.'' ''Secondly, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?'' The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology but is cut off. ''Thirdly, that my sister's husband died in a dreadful traffic accident'', the lawyers voice rising in indignation, ''leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children?'' The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says simply, ''I had no idea.'' The lawyer then says''...and if I don't give any money to THEM, why should I give any to you?''

Two law partners leave their office and go to lunch. In the middle of lunch the junior partner slaps his forehead. ''Oh no,'' he says. ''I forgot to lock the office safe before we left.'' His partner replies '' What are you worried about?
We're both here.''

What do you call a lawyer who doesn't chase ambulances? Retired.

What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention? The caterer.

Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they mess up everything forever.

How do you get a group of lawyers to smile for a photograph? Just say ''Fees!''

What's the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee? A boxing referee doesn't get paid extra for a longer fight.