Humorous Scottish Jokes

''And exactly what made you suspect that these two men were drunk, officer?'' a Glasgow judge asked a policeman in court. ''Well, Your Honour,'' said the policeman, ''Jock was throwing five pound notes away and Hamish was picking them up and handing them back to him.''

Did you hear about the Scotsman whose horse swallowed a fifty pence piece?
He's been riding backwards every since.

Jock was once run over by a brewery lorry. It was the first time in his life that the drinks were on him.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were each left �10,000 by a rich man on condition that after his death each put �100 pounds in his coffin in case he needed it in the afterlife. The Englishman put in 100 pounds, the Irishman put in 100 pounds and the Scotsman took out the two hundred pounds and put in a cheque for three hundred.

Did you hear about the Scottish baker who tried to save money by making a bigger hole in his doughnuts. He discovered that the bigger the hole he made, the more dough it took to go round it.

Did you hear about the Scotsman who married a girl born on the 29th of February?
He had to buy her a birthday present only once every four years.

When is a Scotsman like a donkey?
When he stands on the banks and brays.

Having just brought his son home from the optician, the Scotsman said to his wife, ''Now be sure to take Donald's glasses off when he's not looking at anything.''

AN Englishman and a Scotsman where standing on a corner talking when an Irishman walked up. ''You know what,'' said O'Brien, ''I just went into that pub over there, ordered a pint, and played some darts. When I walked out of the pub the barman told me to pay up. So I told him I paid when I got my pint. He didn't do anything to me, so I got a free drink!'' Smyth-Jones, the Englishman, liked the idea so much he went into the pub and did the same thing tha O'Brien did. An hour later Smyth-Jones came out and told the Irishman, and MacGregor, that the barman didn't give him any trouble either. So MacGregor decided to try too. He walked into the bar and ordered a pint. As MacGregor talked to the barman, the barman mentioned the two guys who walked out without paying. MacGregor asked the barman why he did nothing. The barman said, ''I'm not looking for trouble.'' MacGregor replied, ''Well it's getting late - if you'll give me my change, I'll be heading home ...

Hamish McTavish was going to travel by train from Aberdeen to Edinburgh to have a major operation in hospital. He bought a single instead of a return ticket.

A little boy in a Glasgow school was asked a question by his teacher during an arithmetic lesson. ''If you had five pounds and I asked to borrow three pounds from you, how many would you have then?'' The boy replied, ''Five.''

In Scotland what's the difference between a wedding and a wake?
There's one drunk less at a wake.

On the train from Edinburgh to Dundee, the ticket collector was having a argument with a passenger who had no ticket. The passenger claimed that he was a schoolboy and so was entitled to pay half-fare, though to the ticket collector he looked somewhat older. He had a big brown suitcase on the luggage rack. In the end his rudeness so annoyed the official that he picked up the suitcase just as the train was going over the Forth Bridge and threatened to throw it out of the window. ''That's typical!'' shouted the passenger. ''You people are all the same. First you refuse to believe I'm still at school, then you threaten to throw my little boy into the river.''

Red Adair, the Texan oil-fire fighter, walked into a bar in Aberdeen one evening. The man next to him at the bar immediately spotted him as an American. ''I've been to the States myself,'' he said. ''Oh, really,'' said the Texan, in a tired voice. ''Oh, yes, I was in California a whole month. I went to a concert with a famous country singer called Benny Rogers, and ...'' ''Would that be Kenny Rogers?'' ''Oh, yes. That's right. And he sang with a woman with a fine figure, Polly Darton.'' ''Do you mean Dolly Parton?'' The American's voice was terse, and the man decided it was time to change the subject. ''Haven't I seen you on the TV?'' he asked. ''Maybe. I'm Red Adair.'' ''What! Red Adair?
I must have your autograph. And are you still married to Ginger Rogers?''

Hamish had a pedigree dog for sale. Even though he was offered �500 for it by an American and �100 by an Englishman he sold it to the Englishman. He figured out that the dog could probably walk back from England but could not swim across the Atlantic.