Humorous Wedding and Marriage Jokes

Bigamy is one wife too many. Monogamy is the same thing.

Why a man would want to marry one wife is a mystery. Marrying two is a bigamystery.

Two women go to talking at the supermarket, and one asked the other, ''How many times have you been married?'' ''Four times,'' she answered. ''What were their professions?'' the other one asked. ''A millionaire, an actor, a preacher, and an undertaker....one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.''

Walking into a bar, Joe said to the bartender, ''Pour me a stiff one, Mike. I just had another fight with the little woman.'' ''Oh, yeah?
And what happened this time?'' Mike said. ''When it was over,'' Joe replied,''my wife came crawling to me on her hands and knees.'' ''Really! Now that's unusual! What did she say?'' ''She said 'Come on out from under that bed, you gutless weasel!'''

One day a woman went to a greengrocers and began anxiously looking over the produce. ''Can I help you madam?'' asked the shopkeeper. ''Yes, I was looking for some fruit,'' replied the woman, ''Have these oranges been treated with any poisonous fertilizers or weedkillers?'' ''No, you'll have to get them from the pharmacy.''

When you are dating..... He takes you out to have a good time. When you are married ....He brings home a 6 pack, and says ''What are you going to drink?''

A funeral service is being held in a church for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out, when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying the casket. As they are walking out, the husband cries, ''Watch out for the wall!''

After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers. ''I'm busy,'' he said. ''I'll do the next one.'' The next time came around and she asked again. The husband narrowed his eyes as he looked at his wife. ''I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby.''

A married couple, both 60 years old, were celebrating their 35th anniversary. During their party, a fairy appeared to congratulate them and grant them each one wish. The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and poof - the wife had tickets in her hand for a world cruise. Next, the fairy asked the husband what he wanted. He said ''I wish I had a wife 30 years younger than me.'' So the the fairy picked up her wand and poof - the husband was 90.

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. ''The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to?
You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea.'' The man lowered his head and said, ''Wedding cake.''

One Cup Final day a massive group of football supporters is approaching Wembley Stadium when a funeral procession slowly goes past. Seeing this, one bloke takes his hat off and stands motionless for a moment before walking on. ''That was a nice thing to do,'' said the man next to him. ''Well,'' said the bloke, ''she was a good wife to me.''

A man who forgets his wife's birthday is certain to get something to remember her by.

A man who had just bought a four-seater aircraft invited a friend to join him and his wife on its initial flight. As soon as they were in the air, the owner, beaming, turned to his friend. ''What I really enjoy about traveling this way,'' he said, ''is the absolute sense of freedom it gives you. No worry about jaywalkers, no lights, no traffic jams. And best of all,'' he added with a wry smile, ''no back-seat driving.'' Suddenly his wife, who was sitting in the rear and peering out of the window, screamed, ''SAM! For heaven's sake, watch out for those birds!''

She wanted to marry a waiter, but he had reservations.

Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.